English Jokes

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.​

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. 
Boy: What are the two things? 
Girl: Your feet. 

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. 
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' 
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' 
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. 

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." 
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" 
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." 
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" 

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. 
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. 

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say               Doctor: Next please! 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.